Monday, March 24, 2014

With Regards to Mirrors

“I’m going to kill myself tomorrow.”

I let it slip out in a whisper, not that it mattered. No one else was around to hear me, or at least I didn't think so. I looked up at the bathroom mirror, meeting the gaze of a beautiful young girl. She waved excitedly at me, her face taken up mostly by a huge smile. Her face was one I didn't recognize. There were similarities between us, but I couldn't pull any memories of the little girl to mind. The girl’s dirty-blonde, unkempt hair made me reach for my own because of the similarity. The likeness was striking, but that was explicable, right? I was certain there were plenty of women that shared in our particular hair combination. Besides, we didn't share that many other traits. Sure, the little girl had golden-brown eyes and thin lips that roughly resembled my own, but they couldn't be the same. The notion itself was ludicrous. Those eyes danced around as they looked at me. When she smiled at me, she squinted ever so slightly, lifting the corners of eyes into miniature smiles of their own. Her mouth opened wide with her smile, as though she wouldn't be able to contain the joy if she didn't. Even after her smile faded, the corners of her lips were always upturned, ready to open back up at the slightest hint of happiness.

There were no signs of pain in her face. Her eyes hadn't witnessed years of being alone, unable to connect with anyone on any sort of social level. They weren't struggling to stay open against the strength of an exhaustion due to the lack of sleep caused by the night terrors. There was no fear. There was no anxiety. They hadn't seen the things their owner would to herself in the years to come. There was no anxious looks darting back and forth, flinching at even the slightest sudden moment. Those eyes only knew an impossible hope and infinite potential.

Her lips hadn't been victim to hours of constant lip-biting, leaving permanent little indents along the bottom lip. They weren't chapped to all hell, making them almost unbearable to the touch. They hadn't known the loneliness of not being kissed in twenty-two years. They didn't know any of the ugly words that would be spoken of their owner. Those lips only knew kind smiles and sweet reassurances.

Those eyes. Those lips. The face of that little girl. None of those things were me. Not anymore. I hadn't seen this little girl in the mirror in sixteen years. I hadn't seen those eyes or those lips in so long. I touched my cheek, letting the tears hit my fingers. An overwhelming sense of shame filled my soul. What had I become in such a short amount of time? My entire body began to shake and give out. I braced myself against the counter, leaning my head against the mirror. Tears splashed in the sink as I began to sob. That little girl. That little girl just heard me tell her that I was going to kill myself. How could I do that?

“I’m s-s-sorry. I-I-I’m so s-sorry.” I could barely get the words out through the sobs and gasping for air.

I felt what I could have sworn were the fingers of the little girl running through my hair. I looked up, my eyes red and puffed out, to see her again. She was holding her hand up against the inside of the mirror, where my head had been. Her lips curled upward into a sympathetic smile, her eyes following suit. She wasn't here to judge me. She didn't want this for me. She just wanted me to be okay.

I placed my hand against the mirror against hers, and tried my best to smile through the tears. I’m sure I looked like an absolute disaster, but I tried to gather myself as best I could. I wanted so badly to hug her. I wanted to apologize for who I was and tell her that she would grow up to be better than me. She would keep her beauty.  She would keep that joy. She wouldn't be afraid of the world. She would be safe. 

She took her hand from the glass and made the shape of a heart with her hands in front of her chest. Her lips moved as she tried to tell me something inaudibly through the mirror. I could just make out the three words forming on her innocent lips. Three little words that I hadn't heard in forever. Three words that my entire body ached for. Seeing this little girl mouth those words to me sent sparks throughout my entire being. I felt a warmth spreading from my chest out to my fingertips. The corner of my eyes turned up for a moment as my lips twitched with excitement. I shaped my hands into a heart and placed them against my own chest, and told her something I hadn't told anyone since I was a little girl:

“I love you, too”

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

With Regards to Introductions.

So, here's the thing. I don't like introductions. I don't like the idea of trying  to use my words to make you see me in a certain light. While I understand that if you are reading these words it's because you chose and want to, I can't help but feel a bit arrogant in assuming that it really matters how I paint myself to you guys. This blog wasn't designed for such a purpose, and hopefully this will be the only post in which I talk about myself. Nonetheless, I know that it may be helpful to know a little bit about me, so that you might gain a certain amount of context for the rest of my posts. On that note, let's take an awkward moment to talk about me.

Not Me.
I'm Phoenix. Yes, that's my real name. No, I wasn't born in Arizona. Yes, I have been there. No, I am not a mythical bird of fire. No, I will not come back to life upon death (Well, at least I don't think so. I haven't actually tested this out, so I guess there's the possibility I could come back to life. I doubt it. And I most certainly am not up for testing it). No, I'm not Dumbledore's pet, Fawkes. No, I cannot cry on your wounds and magically heal them. Sorry to not live up to your expectations! Hopefully I've covered the majority of all city/state and Harry Potter jokes. Probably not.  At the time of writing this, I am a 19 year old student who attends the University of California - Los Angeles (UCLA). I'm majoring in philosophy. No, I am not a stoner. No, I do not drink. Although, that doesn't mean that the stereotype doesn't hold true for a significant number of my fellow philosophy majors, or the rest of college students for that matter. 

My interests reside mostly in video games, reading, and writing. While I could get into a long discussion about video games and the misrepresentation and misunderstanding of them by a large portion of adult America, that's not the focus of this blog. However, reading and writing are both essential to both me and what this blog will be. Given that this is a blog that I have to personally create, the writing is more important, but reading shaped me into an individual with a love for writing.

Books are masterpieces. The words that make up the books we love are uncontested in their brilliance. Writing is an art form that to me will always be more beautiful and impressive than any other. A painting may be worth a thousand words, but a thousand words can create an infinite number of worlds. Within the same one thousand words, you can experience the entirety of the emotional spectrum: from an deep-seeded sorrow and empathy to a child-like joy to a heart-gripping terror. With a thousand words, you can create a world filled with elves and magic; you can create a story that shows the descent of a man into his greatest depression; you can create a character that embodies everything that you hate and despise in yourself. Words are truly brilliant. Words make me aspire to write. It is because of them that I want to sit here at a computer, introducing myself to a handful of you that might read this. The importance lies not in who reads my words, but in knowing that I have let my words out into the world. As long as I do that, I can strive to attain satisfaction.

So, that is what this blog will be. My words. These will not be words used to make me look a certain way, or make you believe a certain thing. These will be words that hopefully will make you want to read; will make you want to write. The will be words that I hope will make you see how beautiful words are. Most often, these words will be in the form of short stories. And I mean super short stories. Like 1000-word flash fiction.  However, on occasion i will use my words to vomit my thoughts in a decipherable manner. If there's something I wish to speak of directly, I will. This may be related to philosophy. This may be related to opinions on certain things. This will not be me talking about me, because I know me. I know that reading about me would be boring as all hell, and why would I subject you to that? 

And with that, I think this cringe-worthy introduction shall come to a close. Thank you for reading if you're still here. I greatly appreciate it. I'm also up for any sort of discussion, so you can leave a comment if there's anything you wish to say! Also, a quick shout out to my friend Tyler, who kind of inadvertently got me interested in starting this blog when he started his own over at He's a cool guy, and if you're into anime and gaming and things of that nature, you should check him out.
Until next time friends!